Today was a very rough morning for me and not just because of the hour change. Actually the hour change hasn’t effected me yet it normally hits me mid-week. This morning felt like deja vu, from when I first returned to work from being gone for 4 month on maternity leave. I would cry every time I would drop off my love bug at the sitters. Eventually with time it became our routine and it became a little easier to say good-bye to her. But this morning as I was explaining to the sitter all about her new meals and the reheating process it hit me all like a ton of bricks.
Why am I explaining how to feed my child to anyone. This is my child I shouldn’t have to explain what she needs, I should be the one there for her everyday not just nights and weekends. Don’t get me wrong I have an amazing baby sitter I couldn’t ask for anyone better. But to me it doesn’t matter who the baby sitter is what matters is that it’s not me.
But as I got to work I started thinking of why I was there. I had to go back and think about all those long conversations me and Rene would have about her future and the future of our family. We would need to make sacrifices so that our kid(s) could have the best life possible. Will I still have these types of break downs? I don’t doubt it, I’m a mother that loves spending time with her child and it breaks my heart every moment I’m not with her. But I can’t be selfish we are lucky to have someone who does an amazing job taking care of her while I’m at work. I have to learn to be able to step back and see the big picture.
I’m not writing all this to bitch or vent about my situation. I’m writing about my experience to share one out of hundreds of stories of working mothers that struggle everyday with their decision to go back to work. It seems to know matter what you decide to do you will feel guilty. If you decide to stay home with the kids then you feel guilty of making your partner the sole bread-winner. If you decide to go to work then you feel guilty for leaving your kids. As long as you know you are making the best decision for your family that’s all that really matters. Know that you are not alone and there are many mothers and even fathers that go through what you’re going through. Just remember don’t raise your kids to have more than you had, raise your kids to be more than you were.